Lost and Found- the lost
I am usually an optimist to the nth degree. But sometimes, I just lose my groove and it leaves me floundering. It’s been one of those weeks. It’s the middle of our 3 week work spurt, I’ve been filled with anxiety about some past life issues, and we are unsettled with where we are headed next. He’s gone all the time, I’m tired of taking the kid to the playground alone and for goodness sake, when am I going to get pregnant already? Is this really my life? Is this really what I want? Can I deal with this for the next 20 years? I wonder if I’ve already lost some of my enchantment for this.
I am reminded of when I was an exchange student and the phases of cultural adjustment that they taught us about. Getting into this aviation lifestyle is definitely an adjustment, one that it’s hard to prep for. We’ve definitely made it through the honeymoon phase, where everything was bright and shiny new and are heading into the culture shock phase. Although there are still a lot of things we have yet to experience (like holding a line, fingers crossed for Nov.), we’ve settled into our routine. I feel like we are hovering somewhere between culture shock and adjustment.
 This weekend, A wasn’t able to get home until Sunday afternoon and had to turn around and leave on monday afternoon. The commute both ways was a nightmare for him (and then he got called for ARC and had to go spend MORE time sitting in an airport). Monday morning I realized that I felt like I had spent the entire weekend waiting for my weekend to start when he got home. Then, heading into work, I was feeling like- where’d my weekend go? Lost, to his job I guess.
 A friend that I met through aviation moved away recently, her husband took a job and they moved closer to family. I miss her. I realized that I relied on her more than I thought. I wonder if I’m going to become callous toward making friends with other pilot wives when I know that eventually they are going to move away. I’m not sure I want to go through the emotional work of making friends and the ensuing drama when they leave. Yes, we can keep in touch, but losing a friend you relied on to keep you occupied when you were alone, who took classes with you b/c you didn’t want to go alone, who you could call on at the last minute when you have car trouble is really hard. Going to have to get used to the lost friendships and opportunities, caused by the job.
We have our break of 8 days off coming up in just 4 more days. Hopefully some time away from the routine and the jolt of planning the next phase of our lives together will help us both find our lost enthusiam.
4 Comments
- Melanie replied:
I’m so feeling you. The most important thing that I have taught myself is that I have to make life still happen even when Larkin is not home. I don’t make plans around him. If he gets home for an activity or event than it’s an extra bonus. If I hype myself up that we are going to have thei real nice family outing with friends I’m only setting myself up for disappointment. Don’t be hard on yourself though. We all go through these emotional roller coasters. Even stay at home mom’s get tired of going to the play ground alone and doing every activity in their day with just kids. That is why most of us join mom’s groups. I know it sounds old womenish but it’s refreshing. Maybe look on yahoo groups or something like that and see if you can connect with other stay at home mom’s in your area. Just some thoughts for you. Take care!
October 17th, 2007 at 4:05 am. Permalink.
- MSFlyerswife replied:
Ditto girl, ditto. I’m on day 6 of a 7 day goner and I’m exhausted. Can’t sleep without him and then he gets here and I can’t sleep because he’s all up in my space. I think everything goes easier on a good night’s sleep, if you can ever get one…
You know we’ve only been doing this for a couple of years now (with flight school and time as a CFI before that) but I keep thinking that there’s got to be light at the end of the tunnel. Right now, sure life sucks sometimes, but thank God I don’t judge how good my life is just by my circumstances because if that was the case, we’d all be in the dumps all the time. In your case, eventually, he’ll be more senior and having a line makes it all better. Eventually, he’ll be a captain and the pay will be so much better that it is almost enough to eat on:) But then you’ve got to climb the seniority ladder all over again.
Sounds like it all just takes time doesn’t it? It’s the day to day that really honks for you (and us) right now, but I just keep thinking that it’s got to get better!!! Here is my latest hope: I’ve lost friends to aviation as well, they moved away and sometimes we were even forgotten totally. I can’t help but think that if we were near family, things would be different. Family isn’t transitional, it’s there all the time and if you live near enough family, they’re always there for you. I think next spring we’re going to try to relocate ourselves: to be near those who miss our pilots almost as much as we do when they’re gone and don’t mind giving us a break and keeping the kids when we really need to get away and do our own thing. We’ll see…
Hang in there! The thing that helps keep me going is that I love my pilot, and he really loves his job. As frustrating as it can be for both of us sometimes, I know that people who love their vocation as much as he does are REALLY rare. As you know, being a pilot and being the family of a pilot are very difficult. No one understands that unless they’ve lived it. It takes a lot of love and respect from all of us involved to keep doing it. Without that mutual love and respect, something is going to give, either the job or unfortunately, the family.
We just had a friend hang up his wings for good because he was not getting either the love or respect that he needed on the homefront to keep up his job. It was sad because I think he liked being a pilot, it was just too much for his fragile family life to handle. So he gave up the job for his family. It happens, but at least his priorities were in the right place.
I think we’re building a foundation during these hard times that will last for the remainder of what I hope will be a long and happy career. All this hardship now will just make us appreciate what the future brings even more. At least that’s what I’m choosing to tell myself to get me through today….
I absolutely positively totally understand what you are going through. Can’t offer any magic solutions, but I absolutely understand!
October 17th, 2007 at 1:26 pm. Permalink.
- Maren2 replied:
I am tired… so very tired of it all. Our girls didn’t want to go to bed tonight. Had to get mean and ugly to get them to listen and I am just tired of going this alone three quarters of the month, the year, the life… Didn’t I get married because I fell in love and wanted to BE with that person for the rest of my life? Didn’t we have children so we could love them and BE together as a family? The BE part just isn’t happening!!! I know Craig can’t help it. He was one of those 5 year olds drawing airplanes with him as the pilot waving out the window. He loves what he does, and really I think he is very well suited for it. I on the other hand am not. We have been at this for seven years. Two regionals, one layoff and a Dear John letter from Southwest. I feel we have paid our dues. When is it going to get any better? WILL it get any better? I am starting to have my doubts or atleast begining to acknowledge them. It is somehow comforting to hear others feel the same way and I am not completely crazy - just on the verge.
October 18th, 2007 at 8:57 pm. Permalink.
- someday replied:
I’ve had those nights (more frequently than I care to admit) where I’m feeding Kidzilla fish sticks and corn for dinner for the third night in a row because I just can’t manage anything else. When we are using tissues b/c I forgot (again) to buy toilet paper at the store and it’s pouring rain out. When we had a playdate with a friend and I was unable to make a single decision as to what, where and what time and told her- just tell me when and where to be b/c that’s all I can handle right now. It’s a long hard road. I always wonder- if I had a big money husband who worked 60-80 hours a week, would I see him more? Would he be more a part of the family?
I’ve found that, especially here in the south, there are significantly less resources for working parents than there are for SAHM’s. Playgroups that meet evenings or weekends- difficult b/c everyone wants to spend time with their family, not yours. Mother’s day out- why? Working mom’s get a break from their kids every day! Classes to take with your kids- underscheduled and not convienient. 5pm on Tuesday is not a time that a lot of working parents can make.
I know it CAN get better and it will evenutally. A’s first IOE captain had 8 years of seniority and flew only day trips. In 2006 he had been away from home for all of 4 nights. By July 07, he hadn’t been away from home at all that year. He lived in base so it worked out, but just knowing that there was a person out there who was making it work gives me hope. So at least we have something to cling to!
October 19th, 2007 at 4:21 am. Permalink.